Extreme Seminary

Unprocessed Grief

Chuck — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 21:37:20 GMT

Processing Unprocessed Grief
By Chuck McKinney, Ph.D.
Introduction
From conflict management research and practice, I learned unprocessed grief plays a major role in interpersonal conflict. Frequent interaction with, listening to, and observing people struggling with anger, denial, depression, perfectionism, and workaholism also helped me to connect many, if not most, of their struggles to unprocessed grief. Therefore, we might benefit greatly from learning how to grieve completely, healthily, and properly. Unfortunately, our culture does not accommodate grief well. [Note: The context for this work is the United States., and culture refers to U. S. culture and that portion of it with which I am most familiar]. Chaplain Ray Giunta (2002) supports the notion that our culture holds a distorted view of grief when he states
Our modern culture has acquired an unhealthy view of grief, thinking it can be controlled, that it’s a thing that we can and should get over quickly: We’ve got to get rid of the body, get past the funeral, get over it all, and get back to work. But if survivors and victims’ families aren’t given permission to grieve, they’ll develop what we call ‘chronic grief.’ They’ll be stuck in the first part of the process and never move forward. The result will be a group of people who will be alive physically but dead emotionally and spiritually (pp. 162-163).
He continues,
We are made to grieve our losses. In whatever form it takes, grieving is a normal, natural part of the healing process—the body’s protection system, its way of coping. It must be given its due. To talk about grief, though, is to talk about death. And usually, those who have trouble talking to others in crisis situations, worrying about what to say and how to say it, haven’t dealt with their personal feelings about death. Yet death is the topic that never goes away during a disaster” (169-170).
Personal Dilemma
Grief is more than mourning the loss of human life. Humans grieve other losses, too. Change creates loss, and change occurs constantly and ever faster in the U. S. We relentlessly change from current technology to new technology, from temporary stability to instability and back to stability, and from bust to boom and back to bust. Change includes moving from, through, and to. “From” indicates not just leaving; it also indicates loss. Humans need to grieve most losses.
Several years ago I discovered I had some major anger issues in my life. I suppressed anger for decades, but it finally began to come out, and not in healthy ways. I did not know how to properly express anger. So, I studied anger management for several years and worked on my anger issues. I began making some progress, but it has been painfully slow. I recently realized that much of the anger in my life comes from my unprocessed grief. Although I have taught for a long time the need for grieving healthily, I discovered that personally I have not done it well. In fact, I realized that for some losses, I had not grieved at all. For example, here is a partial list I recently compiled of my personal losses. Most of these losses have not been fully, healthily grieved.
Twenty-two to twenty-five years ago:
• Glynn, my brother-in-law, died after a two-plus year bout with colon cancer
• John, my father-in-law, died after a two-year bout with lung cancer
• Nick, my younger brother, died suddenly from a heart attack
• Travis, my buddy, died as a result of a heart attack
Seventeen years ago:
• Divorce, after twenty years of marriage
• Working class identity, when I earned my Ph.D.
• Career, never had the opportunity to enjoy the career in academia that I anticipated while working on my doctorate. I decided not to pursue jobs open to me—all out of state—in order to stay geographically close to my children.
Twelve to Fourteen years ago:
• Remarriage (a major gain but also some loss)
• Texas (we moved away)
Recent losses (last eight years):
• My dad died
• My mother-in-law died
• My father-in-law died
Most of these losses were never fully grieved.
The Grief Process
Grieving is a process which is frequently a chaotic one that may last many years. It almost always lasts many weeks, not the few days most people and employers in the U.S. culture allow for grieving. The process usually embraces several stages. This work incorporates a compilation of stages suggested by Deits (2004) and Kubler-Ross (1997). The compilation, however, is not comprehensive. A numbness stage usually comes first. This merciful stage helps people endure the initial shock of the loss. The denial stage often comes next. Many, if not most, of us who suffer a traumatic loss, at first deny that it really happened. This is not abnormal and may be a self-protecting psychological mechanism. Often well-meaning people attempt to force grieving people to accept reality; that is not usually helpful at the beginning of the grief process. If the denial stage becomes unhealthily prolonged, some intervention may then be necessary and helpful. One aspect of the denial stage may be some form of bargaining. The acceptance or acknowledgement stage commonly comes after the denial stage. Accepting the reality of the loss may hurt, but the truth eventually sets the person free from living a lie. An anger stage commonly follows the acceptance stage. Frequently flowing from the hurting party’s lips are statements or questions of this nature: “Why did this have to happen to me?” “What are we doing here?” “This isn’t fair!” “Someone’s going to pay for this!” This normal stage can be expressed in a healthy way or a harmful way. A depression stage frequently comes on the heels of the anger stage. This stage, like the other stages, can be brief or can last for an extended period. When someone gets stuck in an extended period of depression, seeking competent help may be of significant importance. A healing and renewal stage generally occurs after the previous stages. However, probably all the stages above are part of a healing and renewal process.
Three key points exist which are useful to remember when utilizing these stages to discuss the process of grief. First, not all people go through each of these stages, and the stages do not always follow the order presented here. Second, people in our culture often get stuck –sometimes for many years or even a lifetime – in one or more stages. Third, somewhere amidst these stages many experience agony and severe pain.
Grieving Takes Time
C. S. Lewis (1996) said, “Grief is like a bomber circling round and dropping its bombs each time the circle brings it overhead” (p. 58). Lewis also said, “Grief is like a long, winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape” (pp. 76-77). I have experienced grief in similar ways. Years after my brother died, a memory of him popped into my mind and weeping surprisingly overcame me like a cloud floating between the earth and the sun. I thought I had concluded grieving Nick’s death. This episode of grief and the “shadow” which overcame me completely surprised me because it had been nine years since Nick died.
Fully grieving takes time and lots of it; it often takes many years. Perhaps one of the worst sayings we can use with someone suffering loss is the trite expression “get over it.” Yet, our culture expects people to get over losses in a very few, short days. Asking ourselves a few questions demonstrates well this point: “How many days bereavement leave do most companies allow employees suffering from the death of a family member? How many days off work do most companies allow employees suffering from the death of a close friend? How many days personal leave do most companies allow employees for other major losses?” Normally much more time is needed for healing to occur.
Over time, the intensity of the pain, shock, chaos and other feelings diminish. Meanwhile, hurting people hurt people. The family, friends, and colleagues of a grieving person may be among those hurt by the griever. The remedy includes allowing, even encouraging, people to fully grieve their losses.
A frequent byproduct of loss is loneliness. We all may need time by ourselves, but we also need the balance of time with others. When we hurt from a loss, we need to share our pain, or we may inflict it on others or ourselves. Many venues exist for sharing our pain healthily, and many guiding principles exist to help us in and through the process. One such principle comes from twelve-step programs which exhort participants to keep the H.A.L.T. principle. The H.A.L.T. principle encourages participants to not get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. That wise admonition also applies to people grieving a loss.
Personal Pain and Gain
As previously indicated, over a three-year period I experienced the death of four people close to me. First, my brother-in-law, confidant, and friend, Glynn, lost his two-year battle to colon cancer. Then my father-in-law and fishing buddy, John, lost his one-year bout with lung cancer. Next, my thirty-four year old brother, Nick – in apparently excellent health – died suddenly from a massive heart attack suffered while sleeping. One year later, my close friend, Travis, also died of a heart attack at age forty-two. Obviously, I hurt and struggled much over those three years and for much time afterward. Of those four significant losses, the unexpected death of Nick hurt the most. At one point, I hurt so badly I did not think I could stand it.
However, those pains shrank in significance several years later when, after almost twenty years of marriage, my wife informed me she was divorcing me. I lost many things at that time: a marriage, my family, my relationship with extended family members, my home, money, possessions, etc. The excruciating pain almost overwhelmed me at times. The church where I had functioned in leadership roles essentially turned its back on me. The church people did not know what to do with me. As a result, I also lost my support system.
I eventually moved to a small town about one hundred miles away. I knew no one there. I sometimes became so lonely I thought I would die. Eventually, I learned to not run from the pain. Rather, I frequently lay in the floor of my living room and spoke aloud to the pain, “Take your best shot. I can endure anything you can deal me.” Finally, I learned to embrace pain and suffering as friends. I allowed my new friends to shape and mold me. Eventually, my joy began to return. I developed new friends. I could forgive those who had hurt me, including myself. Healing did come.
All that change, transition, pain and suffering also changed me into a better person. For example, I grew much more compassionate than I had been prior to the divorce. I also learned one of the primary reasons we need to take time to reach out to the fatherless, widows, and strangers. People in those categories are frequently separated from loved ones and social support; they experience loneliness. Separation can wound deeply. Lonely people may hurt deeply. When people lose loved ones to death, debilitating illness, divorce, or broken relationships, they need the occasional presence of people who have been there. I have been there through the losses I have sustained, so I can now be present for grieving people in ways I could not before my experiences. Discerning how much presence the grieving person needs and how much time alone the individual needs becomes important. Attempts to fix the brokenness, the hurt, and the pain are not in the best interest of the griever. In fact, acts of this nature may be attempts to comfort those who feel helpless when in the presence of someone grieving. Usually no words suffice to relieve the pain anyway, yet one’s mere presence may have the power to act as a healing balm. When I was grieving, I did not need to be fixed. Neither do other grieving people. I needed people who could comfortably be with me, sit with me, simply be present to and with me. Other grievers need this gift of presence as well.
Many years ago, my family and I walked down the aisle of a church sanctuary where the funeral of a family member was about to begin. Surprisingly, I spotted a friend who had driven many miles to attend the funeral. He knew almost none of my extended family and did not know the deceased. He came for me. He did not stay long after the funeral, but his presence comforted me and eased the pain. This gift of presence is one we can offer to others experiencing a variety of losses and types of grief; however, knowing when presence is a gift to a griever is an artful lesson to learn.
Pre-grieving
One type of grief frequently easily overlooked is pre-grieving. Pre-grieving can also ease the pain of a loss. When we know that a loss is coming, we sometimes pre-grieve it. For example:
1. knowing a geographical move is coming
2. knowing a loved one has a terminal illness
3. knowing a job will be terminated soon
4. knowing foreclosure is coming
A couple of years ago my wife moved temporarily to Virginia to begin work on her doctorate. I fully supported this decision; we had discussed its pros and cons thoroughly. Providentially, we bumped into people who had successfully endured similar separation for a period of time (people with spouses in the military, for example). We knew we could do this. Still, the impending separation produced some pre-grieving in me. I went through all the stages mentioned above, most of them subconsciously. I knew I would miss not only her presence, but other things as well.
Compound Losses
To demonstrate the complications that a solitary loss creates, Deits (2004) recommends grievers write the name of their most recent loss at the top of a piece of paper. Using that as a heading, grievers are encouraged to list the additional things lost as a result of the primary loss and to make the list as complete as possible. Each loss usually causes a series of additional losses, and each additional loss may require grief work, possibly including a rite of passage.
Rites of Passage
Change, loss, or death all involve leaving someone or something, passing across a threshold (the liminal stage), and going to a new place or situation. Therefore, most change needs to be grieved. This means not only leaving the old but entering the new. Robert Fulghum (1995) suggests a meaningful rite of passage helps with this transition. Rites of passage may include, but are not limited to, such things as:
• A meal
• A memory holding object of value (only to you)
• Candles
• Smells
• Special utensils
• Special dress (attire)
• A blessing
• Letter writing
• Creating a memorial [plaque, pile of stones, a planted tree(s), etc.]
• An outdoor activity (long hike, backpacking, camping, etc.)
• Journaling or writing memorial prose
• Achieving something you never did before (in memory of the person, experience, or thing lost)
• Creating a memorial piece of art or craft
Fulghum adds, “A successful rite of passage must leave room for the eloquence of silence” (p. 247).
Processing My Grief
To transform my unprocessed grief, I chose to plan a grieving ritual for each loss I have not fully grieved. First, I created a list of each loss in my life, listing the losses in chronological order from oldest to most recent. Under each loss, I listed the additional resultant losses. Then I verbally acknowledged the significance of the relationship and the impact its loss and the additional resultant losses had on my life. Simply beginning the process proved to be cathartic.
Next, I utilized the suggestions of Imber-Black and Roberts (1993) for creating a ritual:
 Relating—acknowledging a significant relationship that impacted my life
 Changing—acknowledging a transition or change in that relationship
 Healing—being open to healing (or growth) over time
 Believing—discovering “What I really believe”
 Celebrating—honoring and celebrating the role and impact the former relationship had in my life (pp. 129-130).
Beginning with the first person on my list, my former brother-in-law, Glynn, I acknowledged each of the losses related to Glynn’s death and spoke aloud how they had impacted my life. I spent some time in silence, mediating on our relationship and the losses I sustained by Glynn’s death. Next, I invited healing to come into any voids those losses had created in my life. After silently pondering, then speaking what I believed about those losses, I chose a celebration ceremony to commemorate the losses. Even this small beginning produced a feeling of liberation.
Far from being free of the baggage of unprocessed grief, I now move to the next loss on my list. I know grieving is a journey, a process. Completion of the process for each of the losses on my list may take months or even years. I am in no hurry, but I will not procrastinate. I sense this process to be important to me as well as to my spouse, extended family, friends, and colleagues. I expect to be changed, transformed as a result of healthily grieving my unprocessed grief.

References
Deits, B. (2004). Life after Loss(4th ed.) Cambridge, MA: Lifelong Books.
Fulghum, R. (1995). From beginning to end: The rituals of our lives. New York: Villard Books.
Imber-Black, E., & Roberts, J. (1993). Rituals for our times. Blue Ridge Summit, PA: Jason Aronson Publishers.
Kubler-Ross, E. (1997). On death and dying (Classic ed.) New York: Scribner.
Lewis, C. S. (1996). A grief observed. 53. San Francisco: Harper.

Who's Been Here?

Frpaulas — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 12:48:53 GMT

This is a brand new site, so I thought those who visit might like to know who has been here…

So far there have been visitors from Pennsylvania, Virginia, California, and Connecticut – the sister site (brideof.extremeseminary.com) beats this one by one state!

Sadly, no one has registered yesterday. Ten members so far – well, it’s a start!

But you can contact the web site using the link below (without registering) if you care to.

(BTW: this artical was artificially promoted to the front page)

Mind Mapping Sermons

FrPaulas — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:24:22 GMT

mind mapping has been around for awhile, but I finally started applying it to sermon preparation – to get the creative juices flowing, and it works pretty well for me. Here’s how…

Get a large sheet of blank paper – no lines!
Get some colored pencils, crayons, markers – no pens!
Turn the paper sideways
Write all your thoughts about the topic anywhere on the page.
- use different colors
- put boxes or circles around the thoughts
- draw pictures
when you see how thoughts are connected – connect them with lines and maybe a note
in the end everything should be connected to something – nothing free floating
Now you have an outline of your sermon

Perfect Pastor = Perfect Church?

Allyn+ — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:30:14 GMT

Yet Another Blazing Glimpse of the Obvious (in case your were wondering).

I’m standing in the shower this morning, kavetching to myself about church work – and just why is it anyway that one person, ONE PERSON, can put me so out of sorts about it – and I say to myself, “This would be so much easier if I were a perfect pastor.” And in a flash I see that being the perfect pastor is not the solution, because “the perfect pastor” still must deal with an imperfect congregation.

This then cracked open the door on what ministry might have been like for Jesus. The perfect pastor and they killed him anyway.

3 Aspects for Sermons

Allyn+ — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:53:50 GMT

I was reading George Will’s book on baseball, Men at Work, and it occurred to me all sermons should contain three parts – not necessarily 3 points – they being…

How God, in fact, behaves toward us.
How we ought to behave toward God.
How we ought to behave toward each other.

Of course, sermons do talk about how we do behave toward God (in support of how we ought to behave toward God) and how we do behave toward each other (in support of how we ought to behave toward each other).

I find Scripture opens up to me more readily if I begin with How God behaves towards us and work my way down.

Guilt is good!

Allyn+ — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 14:43:47 GMT

One of the short comings of our guilt-less culture is people intuitively know they have done something wrong, but have no means of relief. How many times have you heard, “I don’t know what I have done that God should treat me so.” The power of guilt comes when we say, “Well, what have you done?”

Confession is healing – forgiveness is more so. The trouble is that forgiveness cannot come without confession and confession cannot come without guilt.

Once guilt is recognized for what it is – really healing can begin.

Ring Bearers Shouldn't Carry the Real Rings - #3

Frpaulas — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:38:27 GMT

Don’t let that little guy have the rings! In fact, go out of your way to discourage ring bearers altogether.

In the summer of 2008, this time the whole wedding was ready to go…

the mothers were seated
The groomsmen were standing at the front of the church
The groom and I were in position
The organist had started playing the processional

And I am standing there, nodding like an idiot to the altar person in the back to send the bridesmaids and bride up the aisle. After several minutes of idiot grinning and nodding, the altar guild assistant walks up the aisle and whispers in my ear (guess what), “We can’t find the ring bearer.”

As it turns out, he was hiding under one of the pews.

No ring bearers. Please!

Ring Bearers Shouldn't Carry the Real Rings - #2

Frpaulas — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:40:54 GMT

Never let the ring bear carry the actual rings!

Sometime during the summer of 2007 I had the worst wedding ever. Period. Part of that wedding (I emphesize, part ) was when the ring bearer came down the aisle. He was pretty much just out of diapers and looking sharp in his formal wear.

He was doing pretty good down the first half of the aisle, holding onto the pillow with both hands. About half way down, he let go of the pillow with one hand so he could pick up the pace a little bit. By the time he got to the front pew, he was at a full tilt run – at which point, he stopped dead and spiked the pillow, throwing it with all his might, straight down.

OK, it was cute and it was funny, but it was only cute and funny because the real rings weren’t on the pillow !

Ring Bearers Shouldn't Carry the Real Rings - #1

Frpaulas — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:41:50 GMT

Never let the ring bearer carry the real rings! At my first wedding ever, while the rest of the service was going on, the ring bearer…

untied the rings
apparently decided he shouldn’t have done this
then decided he had better secure them with an over hand knot
that was fun, so he did it again
and again
and again (etc.)

Until, by the time I got the pillow with the rings, there was an inch of over hand knots securing them. Normally I don’t take a knife with me to the altar, so it took me about 2 minutes to get the rings off the pillow.

Definitely a slow moment in the wedding.

The long stud goes in back

Frpaulas — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 17:10:40 GMT

Clerical collars are held in place with two studs, one for the front and one for the back, a long one and a short one. Which goes in the front, the long one or the short one? Well, the first time I wore a clerical collar, I reasoned if the front stud must go through two layers of neck band and one layer of collar and the back stub goes through a half layer of neck band and two layers of collar – then the long one must go in the front. At the end of the day, when I took the collar off, I had a bruise the size of a quarter on my throat.

The long stud goes in back!